He has always created light in my eyes. Even now, in the face of extreme illness and devastation, he is busy painting the world the way he wants it-full of color and wonder…I think he is magical.
When we were middle school kids navigating our way through Mrs. Kathy’s Theater Group’s oh-so-riveting performance of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, the talented Jeff was given not one but two lead rolls plus a piano solo. I was given the roll of Father Christmas in one scene, mainly out of pity and the fact that, at the time, I was the tallest in the group. I’ll never forget the eager Mr. Beaver, dressed as a giant, half-melted M&M, commenting under his breath as I handed him the sword “But I wanted a dildo…”. I didn’t succeed as an actor and I largely blame him for causing such distraction in my debut role.
We all knew he was gay, probably before he did. Nobody seemed to care. He was always such a delight. It was a surprise to no-one when he left high school in tenth grade to go to an arts school. The big debate was would he go for music or acting. No one I knew was more suited.
He’s always worked in a creative field where he can express himself and create beauty. He recently moved to a large property that he has cultivated and worked to make self-sustainable. His desire to live his life organically and with as little impact on the environment is contagious. His property is full of edible plants of all varieties. He makes the supplies he needs: candles, soaps, dried foods; he’s even building a windmill on his property to accommodate any desire for electricity. He easily enlists the help of neighbors and friends with his enthusiasm and energy. It’s all so aesthetically pleasing, a wonder for any eyes.
We’ve lost touch many times over the years, but always find each other. When we do, it’s a comfortable reunion, like we were just together the day before. It’s those friendships that are real and everlasting.
During his recent stay in the hospital he requested magazines and tape. Friends brought these items en mass and he spent his time cutting out pictures to make a collage on the bland hospital walls of his room. He took apart the plants and flowers people had brought, blending them together into masterpieces, rearranged the furniture so that it flowed better and got a humidifier with essential oils of eucalyptus and black cohosh. By the time he was discharged the place looked more like a natural spa than a hospital room and his only complaint was that he was released before he had time to finish his collage.
He was diagnosed with MAC, an AIDS related bacterial infection. While this meant a change in his HIV status, he was thrilled to be given a “designer” diagnosis, one that went along with his other Apple products.
He had never told us of his HIV diagnosis. Perhaps it was out of fear of persecution; perhaps he didn’t want to worry us. I’m sure he had his reasons. But now he is in a cathartic process of saying it out loud to us all and finding out just how much we really love him. If anyone turns their back on him I guess he is ready to accept that too.
Seeing him on this recent visit was difficult and life-affirming. I have been doing a lot of soul searching in my own life recently and somehow our visit made all my problems petty and pointless. Seeing how his beautiful soul handles even the darkest moments is inspirational.
Skin over bone, the lines on his face deeper and more defined, I wouldn’t recognize him but for his smile-that hasn’t changed; in my mind it never will.
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